Friday, January 24, 2014

outlaw swarm


I’m about to be swarmed by outlaws ( in-laws, out-laws, outlaws-get it? ). The stepdaughter and assorted mutant followers on are now officially without other options and must move up and squat with yours truly. Now, I love the gal almost as much as I do my biological daughter ( obviously a different sort of love, but it is there on a different level ) but she is one humping mess, let me tell you what. All I’m asking after providing shelter and enough equipment to get started on their camping adventure is to be left alone, and I’m wagering even that simple request will prove far too onerous for her mental capacities. Obviously, these are the things you just have to put up when you have baggage like a wife, but it also presents other complications. Like having to feed the bastards come the Obamacalypse. They are eating on food stamps now, and eating better than me, but as sure as sweet Baby Jesus’ Daddy made little green apples there is going to be a cut-back there sooner rather than later and then I’ll have five oxygen wasters trying to eat off my dime. And THEN the true collapse will happen and I’ll have depleted stocks and mutinous dangerous passengers aboard the USS Bison.


Good gravy, I understand that only the worthy are tested. But when do I get to graduate? I’m happy this happened now, while I have time to prepare, but that doesn’t make things much easier. My old default plan was that my family, scattered far and wide, were goners come the collapse. That sucked- it is my family. But they all make more than me ( except my new and continuing student daughter ) and all choose to live normally. They don’t prep, and I can’t load up my armored car with Ma Deuce atop and go rescue them. Now the problem is coming to me. Which is why I scoffed a bit at the novel “Tribes” and the food situation. I penciled this out a week ago. Two adults, stepdaughter and boyfriend. A three year old, two year old and newborn. If everyone eats on reduced rations, that is still three people equivalent to feed. $525 for bucketed up wheat for one years worth. That is not enough but only bare minimum. That is what I need just to ensure they don’t eat my own food. I have one Skittles Eater with his grimy paw out for extra money this year for the Health Tax, and now wanna-be Skittle Eaters moving in with me with their paws out who I have to bribe to not murder me as I sleep. The danger is usually within. I can’t even have them buy rice and flour on their food stamps to finance their own storage food as I believe the purchases are monitored and recorded ( under the excuse of looking for fraud ) and would just bring the authorities to my door come confiscation time. Well, there goes the tax refund this year.


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  1. I myself had the step daughters ex husband for six months. He just got out of the Marines and she had drained him dry before leaving him around the same time her "mother" left me. I liked him as much or better than either of the other two so I took him in until he could get going on his own, and true to his word he was gone in six months and even sent me a little money a few months later. Hope your outlaw experience goes as well.

  2. Jim:

    You are collecting tax refunds from the earthlings??

    Are these funds are suppose to be going to the mothership!

    (If they do, that means that the IRS is funding the pending invasion!)

    What the hell is going on in this screw up planet.??????

    Jim. Report immediately to the Mothership Bison. They need those funds to survive. They are on something like 1000 earth calories.

    From now on, you are being looked as a person of interest. The Sylon team 6 are to rescue you and bring back to the battle star. "First Ms. Dakin". and be reprogrammed to continue your mission.

    Commander Brutus.

    This is an order.

  3. Jim: this Snowthen:

    Team sex is going after you.

    You might be infecteD with P.U.S.S.Y. Mos likely tooo mucho latin virus.

    The plan is to give you the antivirus G.A.Y. and send you back to the blue planet to collect as much Human Sperm to continue our labor of integrating the two species.

    Hope this help you.

    I'm not a Spy.


  4. Ouch! They do know how you live, right? Small trailer, no heat--not only a food problem, but water..... Hopefully, you can get them to work with you on their needs. I get overwhelmed just thinking about the needs of three babies. (And every year the food needs will grow as the kids grow.) Good luck.


  5. Lord Bison of the Great Basin and King of Coiffure;

    I don't envy thee in the slightest. However, its difficult to believe that you are actually considering (or is it that it was decided without your righteous input?) bringing essentially five worthless mouth breathers into the realm that is the promised land of Northern Nevada? Granted with time and complete control, the three minors can be molded into combat/agricultural effectives, however there are two very large showstoppers: one; the step-daughter and idiot boyfriend (they most likely have never worked a honest day labor in their whole lives) will claim some total fabrication about chattel ownership of said minors (biggest myth fostered upon the gullible public) and two; since the ownership of the minors by the state is absolute, the state will certainly question the unconventional living arrangements of the pit of doom, which also means; you will have agents of the state Child Social Service upon the pit of doom in no time flat, a sort of mini apocalypse before the main event in kind. This in my most humble of opinions, is absolutely intolerable and shouldn't be allowed, lest the five persons make the complete conscious decision to finally cut ties to the system and go underground, which isn't going to happen, due to the societal conditional hard wiring of the two so-called adult persons. I know that your marriage is a big thing, and your spouse puts up with alot of guff, due to our vilianizing by society, but having to support five people in a region where unemployment is off the charts is too much for the sensible person to contemplate. I wish you all the best and hope that once they arrive, they are turned of by the so-called primitive conditions that are there on the ground, that they ask you for enough gas money to take their self-disfranchised selves to Salt Lake City, where they can live out their hedonistic state dependency lifestyle till game time.
    Keep keeping it real James!

  6. Bummer. That is about all I can say.

    Have you ever considered burying a bunch of your wheat at your other piece of land that is further out? At least you'd know there is some food there that is truly just for long-term emergency. I keep some of my food off-site so that the family can't give it away to the food drive in a bout of humanitarianism.

  7. I think you have to have a heart to heart with your wife and get some ground rules established. My guess is that the 'newbies' will take one look at the established living quarters and say in unison "NEW PLAN"!!

    It ain't easy being cheesy . . . sorry for the troubles, but what good is family but making Life interesting . . .

  8. " Obviously, these are the things you just have to put up when you have baggage like a wife, but it also presents other complications. Like having to feed the bastards come the Obamacalypse."

    I wouldn't worry too much about it James. I would be very surprised if they're still living with you beyond two months of their initial arrival date?

    Most Westerners are simply not hardy enough to endure that sort of lifestyle for any length of time. Factor in the frigid, arctic like winters, and the stay is practically guaranteed to be a short one at best.

  9. You are experience the next step of the waterfall collapse.
    This is exactly what the Agenda 21 wants. Condensed consolidated living arrangements cause less enviromental damage (and allow for easier implanted agents - would you be turned in for food to feed the littlest kid? duh. )
    And even if it isnt agenda 21 it IS the historic norm- extended families lived together or at least near for mutual support and security.
    You MUST find a way to live together with these new relatives and neighbors- PRIVATE space for every adult is a must.
    Boundaries as well.
    Good luck. I hope they and you are ready for the work that it will take to get along and get prepared.

  10. DO NOT FEAR! This is where you will reap the reward for living the Bison way. Actually, I can see the benefit of this. You will fine tune different ways to make what you have seem unattractive to raiders and locust.

    The secret is to not change or add-to your lifestyle in anyway. DO NOT ADJUST FOR THEIR STANDARD OF LIVING MAKE THEM ADJUST TO YOURS.

    Honestly, how long do you expect them to crap in a bucket, take jug showers, eat nuke bread and live in a 50 degree trailer. They'll leave soon enough. Not only that, throw in a couple of crying children and this will be a traumatic experience that they will not want to repeat anytime soon.

    Any goodies, chocolate, juices, sugar, freeze dried donkey testicles, etc, need to be cached away. From now on you eat wheat cereal, nuke bread, lentil stew and other foods that people turn their nose at.

    Don't let them try to change the dynamics to make things easier i.e. no water tanks, big propane tanks, generators (over the little you already use yours). You can always blame the County Code enforcers i.e. sanitation, water, generator/noise restrictions. That way you're not blamed and the wife won't get too mad and cut you off.

    In fact, use this time to espouse how wonderful it is to live like this. Be friendly, enthusiastic, excited that someone wants to live like you do. Give them lessons on how to crap in a bucket and take jug showers. If you are grumpy, and angry, people will sometimes dig in their heels to get at you.

    If they really push things, you can tell them that you're afraid the neighbors will complain if they hear a generator all the time or if their cars are always coming and going, etc. and turn them into Child Protective Service. This is your ace in the hole.

    You, my friend, hold all the cards. Sit back, move a few chess pieces into place and watch the circus.

    I am speaking from experience. We tried to help a single mom and let her live with us so she could get back on her feet. She had to live by our standards and join us in chores. We fed and housed her and her child. But you know what, she barely lasted a month. For the average mouth breather out there, a low tech/back-to-the-land/labor intensive/no TV/no cell phone reception lifestyle is a lower level of hell.

    Idaho Homesteader

    P.S. I made some comments a couple of weeks ago but they are getting eaten by your computer and not showing up. Hope this one makes it through.

  11. Sorry, folks, WAY more of a responce than I had anticipated or can at this time respond to individually. I do want to get home at a decent hour, so please don't think I don't love all of you. And the lunch hour was ruined as I tried to do my tax return and ran into complications ( suddenly, the way I did it the last seven plus years has changed ). Without going into details that would invade anothers privacy, I can say there is a bit of a doubt as to whether the outlaws can get a steady job. Even if they do, and head out, they are now still here in the area and hence pose just as much of a burden/threat soon enough. But don't worry, I've no intention of changing or allowing change. One of the only benefits besides "paid for" this land gives me is rural peace and quiet. That might be interupted slightly, but I'm not going to allow a full time three ring circus to turn this into a nightmare. I'm old and grumpy enough I want to remain in my comfort zone/happy place. I've earned it. I'm flexable, but only to a certain degree. I hope this responded to the majority of comments in a general way. I wish you all a wonderful weekend and we'll start up this pig again Monday. Cheers.

  12. hi. no need for reply. my suggestion--get a gross of condoms with an instructional manual--or a video if he is illiterate-- and drop it anonymously into boyfriend's luggage. he needs them.
    they don't have to have babies so close together to stay on welfare.
    cache away all attractive yummies. if kids say they are hungry but won't eat what you give them they are not really hungry. we were poor and we ate anything that didn't eat us first,.
    blessings on you. perhaps you can be a good influence on those kids even though you hope your intimate time with them is short.
    djh good luck.

    1. The fool inherited most/all the kids. I can't keep this stuff straight.

  13. Well hell, Jim - fresh meat for the stewpot?


  14. I've read the comments and you've been given a lot of good advice. I only have one thing to add: Use reverse psychology. Act happy to see them. Walk around with a big dumb, vacant grin plastered on your face at all times. Befriend stepdaughter's boyfriend. Speak with total enthusiasm about how the two of you will have ever so much fun riding bicycles to work together in sub-zero weather, telling scary stories and singing songs as you pedal. When ever he fixes you with an incredulous look and screams, "But how can you stand to live like this without going crazy as a shithouse rat!??!", you will grin idiotically and reply: "Cuz it's fun!"

    Before you know it, they will all be absconding in the middle of the night, under the cover of darkness, but you will catch them. As they are driving away, tires spitting gravel, kids crying, and wife screaming, "faster, faster, he's gaining on us," you will shout at their rapidly receding headlights, "Come back! Come back!. Hey where ya going?" And as they accelerate onto the main highway, they'll look at each other and decide that even Fargo, North Dakota in the dead of winter, and sixty mile-per-hour arctic gale force winds would have to be more tolerable than the Bison Compound.

    Meanwhile, you will have returned to a weeping wife. You will grin in mock puzzlement and ponder aloud. "I wonder what could have made them leave in the middle of the night, without even saying goodbye? And after all we've done for them?"

    1. I don't care who you are, that's funny as hell.

    2. And not a bad idea.
      Unless of course they grin back and agree!
      Which would make it an excellent idea!

  15. Hrmmmm......and you can't throw them into the steeply (bein's they are relations)...until you run out of nonrelated peoples to eat......bummer.

    C in Ks

  16. That and taxes. Damn! You have my deepest sympathies.

    1. Good news, bad news. The Obammy Health Tax isn't due until NEXT years tax return. Bad news, it went up from $100 to $120 for the penalty. I love how they keep changing the rules.

  17. "My old default plan was that my family, scattered far and wide, were goners come the collapse".

    Once again, unlike most people, you insist on thinking an idea through to its (sometime unpleasant) conclusion - bravo!

    Your private life is None of My Damned Business but I'd hoped that you at least could: persuade/manipulate/bribe your son into buying into your ideas...

    Do his comrades know that he's "that anarchist's" son?

    1. I actually try to share most of my private life, as it does have direct bearing on my ideas and will help inform readers if they should pay attention to me.

  18. Okay everyone, stepdaughter here. Let me be very clear. First off we are all well aware of the living conditions, obviously if any attention is paid to what Jim(my stepfather) says I have been there before and of course do talk to my mother so yes we are perfectly clear on the circumstances. Second, the five of us are living on 200 per month in food stamps, which once my mother's case is approved, she and Jim will be as well. Furthermore, my boyfriend, is getting laid off from the job he has had for a year now due to extenuating circumstances, which is the ONLY reason we are moving up there. We are both hard working individuals and have NO INTENTION of taking anything from my stepfather or my mother. We will support ourselves as we have been as well as contributing to my parents for the help they are providing. In regards to disrupting their lives, we will be living separately from the two of them so any "luxuries" we provide for ourselves will be just that. We have only asked to be sheltered, so to speak, long enough to get back on our feet. We have not nor will we ever ask to be supported by my parents. It would do you all well to understand that there are always three sides to every story, mine, yours and the truth. Perhaps before passing judgement or ill you should at least have the story straight.

    1. Easy there, Tiger. You are kinda walking in not understanding our brand of humor here. Relax. Note to minions: the wife IS trying to get on Obammy Stamps, but I'll continue to feed us as before. It is mainly an insurance policy, plus with her terrible dentistry she can buy her own prefered items ( soft canned stew meat rather than a tough fresh cut, for instance ).

    2. Question to the step-daughter of Lord Bison of the Great Basin and King of Coiffure;

      Is there a sign as you approached the compound that clearly states in English and Latin: "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here!"?

      BTW: I applaud your statement to get back on your feet as soon as you are able, however you've picked the most humdinger of a location with which to do so, I would have recommended somewhere with a better job market like DFW/Houston/San Antonio/Austin instead. Best of Luck before Child Protective Services comes in with their SOT Team upon thee.

    3. Step D: there is an awareness that Jimmy stretches a bit.

      I hope it goes well for you.

    4. Really? You don't take ALL my utterances for gospel? I'm shocked, hurt, dismayed and some other things I can't remember.

  19. Step d here again. No such sign exists. However just going up the dirt path is a significant sign that you should, at the very least be concerned. And yes, we know it is an area in which there are very few, if any jobs. We are coming from Reno though, and staying in Nevada is a must, for reasons I cannot explain. We will make the best of a rather difficult situation, and do whatever it takes to make this "invasion" a minimal one. Child services have no reason to be involved, as my children will be, as they always have been, well cared for. The no running water thing is the only complaint they can have as we have propane for heat and cooking, and solar power for lights. And even with that there is nothing they can do, there is nothing in the law that states running water is required. Thank you for your response.

    I am glad to know that everyone understands he can stretch things slightly, haha. Thank you.
    No d-nose, we all know better LOL.