Monday, June 3, 2013

zombie evolution

ZOMBIE EVOLUTION

As I’m sure most of my minions remember from rants past, I absolutely loath and despise and hurl phlegm balls of blood at any apocalypse fiction that takes the easy way out. In essence, the hero’s of our tale skip merrily along a primrose path gayfuly scooping up oodles and gobs of treasures to live life happily ever after once the bothersome scum sucking whores that constituted their neighbors have been reduced to squishy piles of fly larva food. As much as I enjoy Stephen King, his tales all employ this device, from the six surviving members of North America ( or whatever the pitifully small number was ) in The Stand to the book The Cell which ignores the same issues to focus on the horror aspects. Then there was that crap from the 1940’s ( I want to say “Earth Abides” ) where decades after the collapse ( decades! I’d want a few fresh grown taters myself, perhaps some fried chicken rather than just Chef Boy R D ) the few small tribes are still picking canned food from buildings. Perhaps this would be excusable if the author spent WWII eating nothing but C-rats and civilian canned food was deemed to be henceforth a tasty treat. I can’t see that, as those rations were still better than Spam. Anyway, to take this cop out, to ignore the details of the hard work of surviving the collapse of civilization, to me renders a book incapable of being awarded the genre title post-apocalypse.

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Even books trying to describe a wilderness survival existence are so much better. At least the author tries. Oh, most likely it is unrealistic for plain civilians. They will die off quickly to grizzlies or hypothermia or plant poisoning. But at least the plot had some sort of explanation, some reasoning as to how a person could feed themselves after the grocery stores were closed. Equally idiotic to the notion that enough canned goods survive to keep you alive forever since 99.99763 percent of the population instantly perished conveniently is the first cousin inbred retarded idea that the novels characters will have an equally easy time finding ammunition. I understand that if this device wasn’t utilized than nobody would be able to blast hundreds of rounds downrange at the slightest notice of an invading force such as twig snapping or a guy with a black powder muzzle loader kamikaze attacking a checkpoint at a panicking ten miles an hour on his bicycle. The characters wouldn’t be able to stumble over the often overused “black market gun dealer” hiding crew served automatic weapons in his basement. For the love of all that’s holy, how can we salute the flag, eat apple pie, drive our Chevy’s to any levee’s or bone the girl next door in observing The American Way Of Life if we don’t make incredible amounts of profit by selling drivel such as this to the rubes? It would unpatriotic if we didn’t!

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So, you either have a nuclear wasteland, a depopulated chemical charnel house or some such means in which the world has become a no credit needed grocery store and ammunition locker, and the folks rebuilding civilization shop to their hearts content and repopulate according to their particular religious bent. Why bother describing the Apocalypse at all? How boring is this crap? Aren’t you at all curious as to how a civilization evolves after a collapse, besides by consuming factory goods? Are we so soft and lazy the prospect of farming, mining, smithing, anything creative needing sweat is such a hideous prospect? Which brings me to today’s current, but certainly not last, offender. The K-book “Apocalypse Empire: The Hatchery Compound” by Chris Blake. Even for zombie fiction, this is lazy. Oh, it’s not a badly told tale. For zombie crap, it ain’t too shabby. The zombies get short shift and the survival of the group takes center stage. The problem is, there is nothing going on but looting and finding a vast array of free goodies. Sure, you gotta kill a few Charlies ( the humorous name for the zombies. The virus that turned them had the name C. something or other, so C for Charlie like in the Vietnam War ). No big deal, just like a video game. And the Yuppie Scum Survivalist semi-auto and full auto stroke fest! It was embarrassing after awhile. A few tactics, sure, but mostly our boys got to pray and spray. There was even a snide remark about war surplus bolt action rifles being beneath contempt and being given to the disliked allied village. If you weren’t worshiping at the AR alter, you were a scum sucking un-American asswhore, in so many words.

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Is this the zombie apocalypse fiction evolution ( or, devolution )? Going from enemies to combat to just the means of getting rid of everyone else so you can put on your shopping shoes and consume mindlessly forever more? Are we now going to just skip the whole menu items the undead chose and skip to the Grand Cleansing? For humps sake, how hard is it to build an empire in a depopulated land with unlimited supplies? Only a friggin moron could screw that up. I certainly won’t be following this authors sequels, as that seems to be how he is planning to precede ( the book didn’t even really get to the good part, but merely to the beginning of our budding Napoleon’s fight to power ). I didn’t feel I was cheated out of my money, it was a decent four hours of entertainment. But it was also a cheat. Even most of our survival writers can’t articulate how our technological oil fed civilization runs, much less how to survive without it. The good news is, there are a hell of a lot of people cashing in on the prepper craze. That’s also the bad news. We have to go through the whole thing all over again, discounting the uneducated and the ill informed and the carpetbaggers. Well, at least it is cheaper this time with e-books.


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16 comments:

  1. Just finished reading "The Passage" by Cronin.
    Those folks were eating canned shit one hundred years after the fact lol. That and the everlasting MRE's fer cris sakes....

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    1. Even before you ruined the book for me [ :) ], I didn't like how the series sounded. Mystical, fantasy type.

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    2. Naw, actually it was not a bad tale. In fact this was my second time reading it. If'n ya want I'll send it to ya...all 500+ pages worth. Let me know and it'll be on its way James. I'll be buying the second installment when it comes out on Kindle or when I find a used copy at the second hand shop.

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    3. Any book you'd read twice has to be good. Sold! Please send immediately. I can even PayPal you the postage if you'd like. Thanks! Good minion! One biscuit for you.

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  2. Lord Bison of the Great Basin and King of Coiffure;

    Couldn't agree more to the laziest of all authors to use the convenience of instantly or almost instantly culling the majority of a population for his given protagonist to collect the spoils of all civilization has to offer. This is why the Road by McCarthy is the finest Post-Apocalyptic book recently written. Since the locusts and mother nature worked hand in hand to strip the land bare and cannibalism ruled the day for a majority of the book. Despite the protagonist's accidental discovery of a long abandoned fallout shelter to save his sick, starving child, the remainder of the novel was top notch in describing the total deprivation that would be a true apocalypse. Yes it seems that only the true pessimist of authors can be even a bit realistic as opposed to a majority of ass-hat authors and their dreams of cornucopia bliss. Keep, keeping it real James!

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    1. Forgive me if I'm a bit off- I haven't read the Road in years. I remember his revolver only had two or three bullets. Didn't they eat off of scavenged cans? The differance from most books being, they pretty much stayed below a starvation level of calories. Kind of a dead march to the sea. And that was a plot device! Imagine reality where there are no cans at all. Plus, I think even the cannabals would have already been starving. If "nuke winter" from a comet killed all the dinasours because the plants got no sun, the same should happen to the human race. The only question being, would enough breeding pairs survive globally?

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    2. Lord Bison of the Great Basin and King of Coiffure;

      That's the great thing about the Road, that even the somewhat happy ending that the child is adopted by another family and their pre-pubsicent daughter, the ending is a ruse, to make the Oprah Book Club readers feel good about some human spirit non-sense. The reality is that the reader is experiencing the literal end of the species and that there won't be enough breeding pairs to get past the bottleneck that is the cause of the apocalypse, isn't extinction a great thing? Especially when the bankers and their minions die with the same agony as everyone else. Keep keeping it real James!

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    3. I didn't remember the adoption part. I think I read it first part of living in Carson- at least 8 years ago. I always wondered how it got the Oprah seal of approval ( the ratings might have been down so she needed to branch out to males? ). There are some who believe we've been wiped out before, down to just a few breeding pairs. Which explains our stupidity from inbreeding.

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    4. I believe the geneticist have it as a global population of less than 5000 females about 50000 years ago. here is the wiki article:
      Genetic bottleneck theory[edit]

      The Toba eruption has been linked to a genetic bottleneck in human evolution about 50,000 years ago,[28][29] which may have resulted from a severe reduction in the size of the total human population due to the effects of the eruption on the global climate.[30]

      According to the genetic bottleneck theory, between 50,000 and 100,000 years ago, human populations sharply decreased to 3,000-10,000 surviving individuals.[31][32] It is supported by genetic evidence suggesting that today's humans are descended from a very small population of between 1,000 to 10,000 breeding pairs that existed about 70,000 years ago.
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toba_catastrophe_theory

      Who on this board can survive a winter for 10 years plus glaciers, plus there human competition.
      That sort of thing gets VERY hard VERY quickly...

      -Grey

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    5. I think the machines stopping would be equal to Toba, although without the aftereffects of lack of solar.

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    6. For city and desert folk machine stopage would be darn close, but for those of us surounded by green, not so much- at least in direct effects.
      The darn 2 legged Locusts would be the real problems for us, and if we are more than a few weeks walk from the nearest nest we should have a chance to hunker down and hide the good stuff until they pass/die off.
      Growing a garden or herd big enough to feed a family from isn't easy but can be done, and if you practice storing the excess now one should be able to pull through the initial machine shutdown.

      -Grey

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    7. Shitting bastard people. Can't live with em, can't survive with em.

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  3. Jim

    You ever read the books by Tom Sherry?

    Gil

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    1. I've had a link to his first two books on my "links to others" page forever. I wish he could move on to a differant PA setting, as he can churn out 600 pages with little effort seemingly. I liked the first two ( they were differant. Not shoot em ups, more a bug in story ), can't say about the third as I haven't read it. His blog, listed on his Lulu page, has chapters from a forth book- which might be something differant. At least, it seems a differant set of characters.

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  4. They have pulled canned foods out of shipwrecks over 100 years old that has been microbiologically safe. Canned goods kept in a reasonable temperature (like in a cool, but dry, basement) can last a really long time.

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    1. I've read the same thing, and hence always laugh my junk off when all the yuppies faint dead away when the experiation date rolls over.

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