Tuesday, May 14, 2013

this is only a test


Vlad recently sent me a cartoon in which a husband is standing over his bullet ridden wife with a smoking gun in hand as the radio states “this has only been a test-there has NOT been a nuclear attack” and he is saying “oh, crap!” ( I’m paraphrasing here ).  This is some funny stuff, even if it is old and repetitive ( one imagines the first “this is only a test” joke came out the next day after the first test in the 50’s or whenever it was.  The theme of “mistakenly informed of war” was as old as “The Twilight Zone” if not older ).  I’ve been mulling over this joke for a few weeks, desperately trying to turn it into an article and once again my subconscious comes to the rescue and today we will talk on testing your post-apocalypse replacement spouse ( don’t question the process.  This might seem a bit of a reach linking subjects but take it from me- you DON’T want to piss off the subconscious ).  I don’t know about you, but one subject that’s been on my mind endlessly over the decades is replacing the wife after the apocalypse.  Oh, don’t get me wrong.  I do in my own way love the wench, as difficult as she is to put up.  And I really have no desire to train a new wife.  I also appreciate the fact she craps in a bucket, and such loyalty WILL be rewarded come crunch time ( also, with her low body weight and calorie consumption, she only needs 1k calories a day to survive whereas I need 2k.  As I’ve put aside two pounds of wheat per day, this works out well for both of us.  If I took on a bosomy wife she would eat more and take food out of my mouth ).


But of course it is just human nature to ponder the imponderable.  Just because I’m not going to replace the wife doesn’t mean I don’t think about it.  And while I’ve learned early on to jettison a worthless wife ( damn the consequences ) and preselect a worthy apocalypse spouse, not all of you have that luxury.  I’m sure many of you are actually foaming at the bit, waiting for any excuse to kill the bitch and move in the babysitter to your mud hovel.  Hey, I don’t think less of you.  Some spouses really deserve to die ( I won’t get started on the ex, just rest assure her demise would not be sudden or painless ).  A lot of spouses you only stay with out of necessity.  And eliminating the spouse for a replacement is as old as mankind and not merely confined to loyalty.  The necessity of it, the desirability of it, those are not in question.  What keeps me guessing is the how of it.  How best to eliminate the spouse?  With a wife wanting a replacement, this is simple.  She merely delivers the best sex ever, and with the promise of more her lover will gladly dispatch the husband. 


Now, of course this is stupid.  Anyone in his right mind might think, hey, she could turn around and do the same thing to me when she is tired of me.  But a guy, when the little brain does all the thinking, doesn’t think about anything rationally.  With a husband, getting rid of the wife is a little more problematic.  If you aren’t a psycho, you can’t just force yourself to kill the wife.  Oh, some you could.  The really evil fishwife that constantly nags you, her pitch driving you to high blood pressure, she should be easy to dispatch.  But if your wife is adequate, not too annoying, could you really kill her off?  You want to get rid of her- perhaps she is as enthusiastic in bed as a dead fish, or you need to strap on a 2x4 to your ass to keep from falling in as you mount her- but you just don’t have the killer instinct to do it.  Well, this is were the test comes in.  If any other female is sniffing around ( and make no mistake, this will ONLY happen if you are wealthy in what matters after the collapse.  Penis size, a full head of hair, charm- none of that matters ), you’ll just have to drop a few hints that you would be more than interested but only in the sad, unlikely event that your dear beloved wife met an untimely demise.  Play the loyal if suffering husband.  Women are in general much more Machiavellian than men.  They don’t deal in directness but in innuendo. 


Now, I don’t think that your potential wife #2 is going to go all Linda Hamilton on your current wife.  As much as you might enjoy a death ring match to win your loyalty, put away that fantasy.  Remember, bitches be sneaky.  Odds are better she will enlist the services of a family member, or, hell, even hire a mercenary or assassin ( there will be plenty after the collapse ), to do the job.  You want her to be circumvent, because once she passes your test, not only does your sex life improve drastically ( and ladies, don’t judge.  Sure, men might be unfaithful over “just” sex, but I can guarantee you wives will be killing off husbands left and right for failing to provide.  Even if they themselves forbade prepping ), you get a vicious partner who will have your back against office politics and palace intrigue in your village.  You’ve now made yourself happy ( and, hey, you deserve it, risking your life every day on the battlefield and/or hunting rabid dogs and mountain lions ), AND improved your odds of survival on the domestic front.  If a wife spends all her time bitching about your shortcomings, she has no time to help protect you or try to please you.  If you don’t upgrade now, consider doing so shortly after the apocalypse.

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  1. One huge advantage to getting older and having been with the same woman since 78. Ya really start thinking with the upper brain and wonder in retrospect just what the hell was all the fuss about that Smelly little patch of skin !
    Don't take me wrong, I fully intend on supplementing my good wife of soooo many years with an occasional recreational substitute of a younger variaty. Who says ya can't have more than one, after yours truly gets to make the rules !

    Just finished with Cannibal Reign by Thomas Koloniar. Overall it was not bad, the ending kind of left you with wanting more tho. As most all good novels do. I'd recommend it.

    1. I'm chomping at the bit to read it, but I'm still on a K-book that isn't bad enough to stop reading ( plus, hell, I paid for it ).

  2. Casanova said, "Be the candle
    not the moth."

  3. sometimes your bullshit should be carved on stones and hidden in a cave to be discovered someday. Pure "uncommon" sense! Jim

    1. Ah, but should we write it in Spanish or Mandarin? Otherwise, will anyone understand it?

    2. you can write in Mandarin! fuck that's impressive.the rat ha ha ha ha

  4. Best advice of all to any of you who are reading this who are single.
    DO NOT MARRY someone who fits into any of the below catagories
    1)refuses to stop mentioning/noticing your faults - they will hate you soon enough.
    2)refuses to acknowledge your faults - they are either blind, stupid, or to arrogant to admit they made a mistake dating you.
    3)refuses to live 'like possums' (crapping in a bucket, eating from only staples, living in a tent, etc) for a while. Their acceptance can be conditional (aka: while we make things better together) but can not be deadlined or with hard stops.
    Preferably someone whom you have several hobbies and interests in common with (beyond but including the marital relations sort) and willing to be self sufficent and prefering to be a partner in self sufficency with you.

    My spouse by the way is golden in almost every way but is MINE get your own, they are out there especially if YOU are willing to do the above or other sacrafices for them.


    1. Right. Why limit yourself for your whole life. Marriage is about making each of you better than before, not worse.

  5. Seriously?-SemperFido

  6. Knocked another one out of the park, Jim! You're on a roll. Must be the sex...

    I noticed when me and the misses were seperated that I made some unsound choices. Life, money, sex. And even with occasional female companion-ship, I was crabby to boot!

    Better that she is here so I can blame her, then her not being here, so I'm forced to blame myself! :)


    1. I love it! So true. When the wife and I seperate ( almost two years now without a "real" seperation, just vacations ) I get morose and bitter and churn out great fiction. When all is good, I turn out great non-fiction. Kind of weird.

  7. Nightshift here.......well Jim, we are in good company. I too an honored to be on Vlad's email list. We correspond occasionally. Always a pleasure.

    Replacing the wife.....hmmmmm. kinda what I am involuntarily doing now. After a few months of this happiness though I am seeing a different side of her.....

    Amazingly there are already offers presenting themselves although I am not studying it at this time....wife isn't out yet.......60 days to be final but she should be out in 3 weeks. It is amazing how much you can learn about people with a simple comment to solicit a response.

    One was kind of a tree hugger and was talking about her hurricane preps and veggie gardens.......ok.....and I mentioned livestock butchering and hunting and she was horrified that I would kill something. LOL

    Just an example.....she hates guns too. See ya!

    I think it will be dangerous is women present themselves from nowhere in the future....kind of like the short fiction you wrote. Once the balloon has gone up, motives will be questioned. Take your time and be cautious.

    Anyway, I will be in the market for a shack up and not so much a wife. Someone wants to live in a single wide. LOL Good post.

    1. I was thinking more on the lines of the tribal members than wandering strangers, but I left it open as it wasn't really all that important. Situations will be fluid. HOLY CRAP! I just had a thought. A prime time soap opera, just like Melrose Place ( the original one ). The only plot line is who was sleeping with who that week. In our case we can include killing the wife, or selling her into slavery or to the next door cannibals. Maybe some gladiator combat to settle the score.

  8. Your self-proclaimed "minions" being of small minds, no doubt are hesitant to respond.

    Great post. Brutal, but direct, and there's precious little of that these days.

    Still, sex is way too much on your mind still.
    If/when Shtf you'll no doubt have other priorities.

    1. I might have differant priorities, food and fighting, but even if my sex drive takes a short vacation, it will be back. The little brain is in charge, and I'm okay with that. The only differance now is he has some experiance and wisdom to use in picking the lucky gal ( before, he only zeroed in on big boobs ).

  9. You are much too optimistic about the power women will hold after the collapse. Perfectly understandable, since you have been immersed in their sea of propaganda your entire life. You were even docile enough to let #2 ruin your future.

    For now, they can continue to be Machiavelian. After the collapse, both the auction-block and the rape-dungeon could be in their future. If I were female I would be currently seeking a male who could provide some insurance against that possibility.

    And that's no-shit, Jane (or Wanda, Debbie, Marie, Donna, etc.). The Apocalypse will be hardest on females. Plan now for a 'worst case scenario'.

    1. During the collapse, okay. From outsiders, always a danger. But man will seek stability and normalacy in the form of a tribe, with family units. Females only have to fear lawlessness before the tribe forms.

  10. re: You want her to be circumvent

    C'mon Jim! I think you mean "circumspect"?

    Kind of a WEIRD article for you.

    I myself would advise polygamy. Doesn't make sense to get rid of someone that can work. As long as she can be trusted.

    You Know Who

    1. oops, sorry. Thanks for the word correction. As far as polygamy, I was going under the assumption of scarce resources in your household. Also, polygamy not usually healthy for a long term culture. Ya gotta pair up the young and dangerous bucks to a stablizing wife.

  11. If times get tough you may wish to hunt over bait
    with your 22 rifle and quiet subsonic ammo.

    ..... we also keep a couple 50# bags of black
    oil sunflower seeds around as the Mrs. is
    an avid bird/wildlife watcher........
    .... our visitors include doves,
    squirrels, raccoons, porcupines, and
    black bears. Easy protein, without leaving
    the yard.

    re CCI 22 CB Longs
    Survival Guns by Mel Tappan
    page 177 quote " In a barrel of 22" or
    longer the CB cap is almost totally silent.
    At a distance of 8 feet from the muzzle of
    my 24" Anschutz, the sound level from firing
    was only 9 db, and at 15 feet was totally
    inaudible. Not only does this lack of noise
    make the CCI long CB caps desirable for indoor
    or backyard target practice, it makes them
    virtually a necessity for survival use should
    you ever need to do some shooting without
    attracting attention or alarming game in the
    neighborhood." unquote
    Remington CB 33 gr @ 740 fps = 40 ft lb
    Remington subsonic 22LR 38 gr @ 1050 = 93 ft lb,
    is very little louder than the CB. From Marlin
    model 25 22LR rifle I put 3 Remington subsonics
    in 3/4 inch group at 50 yards.

    1. Trapping is another good option. Lots of info online for this, but it seems that the resident expert on this subject is a bloke by the name of Bruce "buckshot" Hemming.

      A decent bow is relatively easy to make, (providing that one has at least some woodworking skills) difficult to legislate, and are nice and silent (Just what the doctor ordered in a post collapse scenario). I'm going to make this one:


      Picked up the wood last night for a grand total $10.00. Simple, and easy to maintain\reproduce if necessary.

    2. Thanks for the bow info- I'll check it out.