Thursday, December 20, 2012

Biblical Banjo Players And Bullet-Proof Backpacks

BIBLICAL BANJO PLAYERS AND BULLET-PROOF BACKPACKS
Oh My Mother Loving God!!!  If the news headlines are to be believed, the concerned parents of students everywhere are taking steps to protect their children in the wake of the GottDamnYankeeLand elementary school shooting.  By buying bullet proof panels that slip into a school backpack.  Here, little Johnny, if a crazed man three times your height and five times your weight suddenly goes bat crap crazy and starts blazing away at you with thirty rounds of armor piercing bullets, hold up this piece of Kevlar fabric rated to stop 9mm rounds.  If by some miracle they don’t penetrate the backpack ( perhaps thoughtfully packed with a thick bible crammed in both as ballistic protection and inspirational recess time reading ) and if the large man doesn’t then charge you, knock you down, kick aside the pack and then empty another clip into your ass, why then we’ll see you when you get home!  Ah, hello?  Does anyone else see a problem with this strategy of armoring up your kids?  First we are teaching second graders about sex, as if they have any concept, perhaps wishing we could wrap them in a giant condom to keep them from “playing doctor”, now we are supposed to wrap then up in a bolt of Kevlar as well?  Perhaps it would be better if we had a ninja mask wearing FedGov SWAT bitch patrolling the playground and halls.  Whenever little Johnny doodled guns on paper or made a “gun” gesture with his fingers, the armed guard could go into full Tactical Tommy mode, shrilly screaming “GUN!GUN!EVERYBODY DOWN!!!!” and then we could get official sanctioned school ground massacres.
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Or how about you pull your damn kid from school altogether and do your damn job as a loving parent, stop selling your tender ass to assorted corporate whores for a paltry paycheck, stay your liberated butt at home and teach your children there?  Instead of sending them to school in a Brinks truck, don’t let them anywhere near a “gun free” zone.  If you are that concerned about their safety, your stupid gay concerns over home equity, earning potential or anything else is immaterial.  Oh, boo humping hoo, I’ll have to rear my spawn!  I can’t earn more than my husband, so I can’t pickle his testicles and be in charge.  I can’t emulate a penis wearer!!!!  Shut the hump up you ignorant twat, and take care of your kids.  If you need further advice or motivation come visit me up here in Elko.  Consultancy is the mere cost of a $7.77 steak dinner at the casino ( plus coffee, plus tip- I won’t charge for my transportation costs ).  Just don’t be surprised if I vomit blood over you if I hear too many excuses why you simply must keep your child in harms way.
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I was chewing the fat at a morning food donation and we got talking about the silly Mayan Calendar ( I can only hope it is all over instantly ).  We got to talking about giant floods, which went back to Noah’s  Ark.  And it suddenly hit me.  All the animals that repopulated the Earth had to be inbred.  Cue the eerie backwoods dueling banjo music.  If one pair each of all animals were all that was left, all offspring would have be mate with their siblings, inbreeding would result and genetic mutations would almost be assured.  Now, before I go further, I’ll once again remind everyone that while I’m not religious, I’m not anti-religious either.  If it gives you comfort and guidance, I envy you.  I only ask you not to concern yourself with the state of my soul.  So don’t take any kidding I do about religion seriously.  I might raise valid questions, but if I’m not just joshing you I’m usually just digging on the hypocrisy and silliness of the organized churches who profit off human suffering while preaching the opposite.  Just don’t think I’m trying to dis on your personal God.  Live and let live.  Having said that, can I now ask about Adam and Eve?  Wouldn’t they also have faced the inbred question?  If only one mating couple exist, and they spawn, then who do their offspring couple with but siblings?  I asked a gentleman  there with far more extensive biblical reading than myself ( venders often flock together at the grocery store receiving area.  The serious ones bustle about importantly.  The slackers or those with bad attitudes knowing a pink slip can arrive any day will take time to BS with each other ) and his answer was that God’s creation of the first couple was of course without flaw.  Once the whole apple evil thing happened, and man was cast out, then such problems of genetic mutation from inbreeding occurred.  Which means, biblically, we were inbreeds from the get go.
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Okay, perhaps you think we thinned the mutation with each breeding further removed from direct blood lines.  But this raises another question.  If Darwin was wrong, if man didn’t evolve over hundreds of thousands of years, then wouldn’t there have been insufficient time to weed out all the inbred mutations?  If you are the religious type, I would assume this might give you pause.  Perhaps Darwin and his contemporaries were in fact correct and evolution is actually Gods creation.  Which would mean Papist dogma of Earth being a mere few thousand years old is incorrect.  See?  To question the propaganda of an organized religion is NOT the same as questioning of Gods existence.  It is merely questioning far from holy men who perverted a Church for their own enrichment.  You are welcome, folks.  I can solve mighty, weighty religious disputes that easy.
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8 comments:

  1. I would say that freaks like pelosi and reid are good proof that inbreeding occurs. -SemperFido

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  2. Preach on, Lord Bison! Preach on!

    Loyal Minion

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  3. I have a suggestion for all the individuals who are worried about "the children" out there and the dangers of school. Lets take all the unused prisons we paid for that are NOT being used and stuff the little buggers in there with the Nazi-trainers they want to educate them and seal it up until they all reach "adult"(whatever that means now). With this plan we can keep the law enforcement employed, feed them gov approved slop, educate them the "way" they need to be, keep them safe from "sex predators" and gun crazed shooters, they will magically NOT get knocked up since they can be tagged, bagged and tracked 24/7 AND it will cheaper on all the parents since they will have lots of free time to relax with the little bundles of genius(PUKE!) secure, safe, sound and properly cared for BY SOMEONE ELSE. THAT is what they all really want.

    With the absolute abandon the general population seems to be willing to give up all of OUR FREEDOM AND RIGHTS there can be no objections to "think of the children" by giving them "complete protection and a good government education", RIGHT?

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  4. Nice rant, Jimbo!!! Having that 'tude is a gueerentee that you won't get laid much in today's world. Course BJs aren't sex anymore. Just cost you a Happy Meal.

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  5. As a preacher and seminary student myself I've thought a lot about the whole "inbreeding" issue that the bible would present. While the bible itself is silent on the science of how (it's a faith book, not a science book) there are several theories that are plausible. As Lord Bison's friend mentioned, the problems with inbreeding could exist solely because of the curse. It's also possible that Eve was created with a complete set of diverse genes inside her own eggs. Whatever the reason, I think that a God who is powerful enough to create life in the first place is quite capable of keeping that creation from becoming banjo playing freaks.

    -Novice

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  6. I read somewhere that almost all the rabbits in Australia are related to a pair that were brought to the land by British sailors. Inbred little monsters... The rabbits not the sailors (tho the jury is still out on that one)

    -DSM

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  7. Inbreeding isnt really the big problem people make it out to be, animal breeders do it all the time to consolidate desirable traits in verious strains of livestock etc. For instance every race horse in the world can trace there ansestery back to 3 stalions.

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  8. Inbreeding is a fact in any isolated community. Most societies let natural culling take care of the undesirable traits by killing off or marginalizing those that show them.
    We need to do the same and stop sending ours to the feeding trough in D.C. and corporate CEO-Land.
    SWFL

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