I’m sorry, but today I won’t be reviewing two thousand dollar night vision goggles, $1300 battle rifles, $25 cans of freeze dried geese testicles, or much else that is fun and exciting and oh gee golly willigers. I’m sorry that you are broke and can’t afford to equip your future Army Of Darkness with all the most expensive items. If you think that highest tech, most expensive items, whose upkeep takes many craftsmen, is the best you can do for the apocalypse, I submit to you the knights of Europe confronting the Mongols. But I digress. Today’s review is on a razor. You know, to cut that nasty crumb catcher off your face. Now, I can just hear the many and varied legions shouting out in disapproval. We’ll just wear cool Viking beards! I have the cool manual powered razor the outer space dudes used! I’m macho and shall use a straight razor! For humps sake! Haven’t you already done a half dozen articles on this? Well, to answer all your complaints and questions, keep the following in mind. You certainly can never shave again after the collapse. All you cubical warriors might be mighty tired of scrapping the skin off your face every day, then placing a blood flow restrictive device ( a tie ) around your neck, then subjecting the skin of your nose to an unsanitary treatment as you are forced to shove said appendage up your bosses anal orifice. Not shaving probably should pretty good about now.
But facial hair, except mustaches of course ( and all manly men should endeavor to grow one as it is one of the few things besides standing up peeing that guys get to do that bitches can’t. Not that I don’t like bitches, I just don’t think we should look like them ) can get unsanitary and can also be used as a weapon in a fight as your enemy grabs hold of it. Shaving helps you stay fresh and clean, gives you a better feeling about yourself and sets you apart from the stinking dirty savages. As far as other kinds of razors, such as the one you yank on the cord to spin, you need to keep it as simple as possible because moving parts break. And, if you have oily skin, it is best to stay away from electric type razors. You need the manual blade that scrapes away the built up crap that can clog your pores and give you boils and ingrown hairs ( which, granted, will only kill you with an infection in extreme cases, but you need every advantage trying to stay healthy when no doctors are around ). As far as straight razors, everyone should have one if you can afford it ( I was gifted a great one by a minion and still treasure it, though I can’t say I want to use it ) as the ultimate back-up, but they have a lot of issues from high cost for quality to high maintenance to the danger of use. As far as having talked about all this before, today we present a new product, the Infinity Razor.
As a back-up to the back-up, I would invest in a $80 straight razor. A one time investment, so go with German steel or similar. Your primary back-up is a few decades worth of disposable razors ( get a blade sharpener for disposables and a pack of ten lasts a year. Total cost for twenty years, $35 ). Your regular razor could be the Infinity Razor, one of those “As Seen On TV” commercial products ( now through Amazon for about $8 ) that is a “carbon injected steel blades with tungsten-carbide”. The thrift store ( the neighbor to my food bank ) had one of these, which I had never heard of. I looked on Amazon to get the review comments, which were something like 99 to 1 unfavorable. Now, being the frugal guy I am, I would usually heed the reviews and save my money. I usual listen to the comments on books and I’ve rarely been steered wrong. However, I had a sneaking suspicion these guys were cubical warriors and were used to the gentle loving caress of five bladed brand name razors, the kind that cost like $3 a friggin week. I’m used to using crappy ten cent dollar store razors, so I suspected my experience would differ.
Sure enough. The shave was actually BETTER than a disposable. Well, perhaps. I’ve noticed the more recent disposables are really crappy. They almost seem to have shrank in width and I’m shaving each row twice. Afterwards my face feels raw, both from brand new razors and those broke in plus those resharpened. I’d say, the Infinity Razor is better or at least the same as disposables ( I’m talking about the one piece plastic twin blade units, not the replaceable cartridge ones ) used to be. I’ve decided to keep using it. Now, I can’t speak for longevity. I don’t know the long term quality ( forget the money back guarantee, you spend as much on postage if you just bought another one yourself ). If you do go with this, I’d have at least three of them in case the plastic is cheap and breaks. Also, this test was just for comfort, to refute the comments on Amazon. Those folks expected it to be the same as Mach 3 or whatever. Plus, I don’t shave everyday and I only shave with, not against, the grain. Because of that I don’t need an expensive brand name razor. If you do, the Infinity would be a post-apocalypse item only. I can’t actually confirm this razor will last forever. That what back-ups are for, to insure against typical “screw the consumer” corporate attitude ( amongst others reasons for back-ups ). If we are all still talking in three or five years, I’ll give you an update.
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