Thursday, February 23, 2012

beshatting oneself

BESHATTING ONESELF
Today, let’s set aside any signs of collapse and focus on a very important topic otherwise missed amidst the manufactured drama of the (s)elections and the latest buzz on a celebrity most of us care absolutely nothing about.  I bring you the spectacle of keeping children in diapers long past the point of decency.  Here I am enjoying some mindless television program or another and here is a commercial depicting  insanely happy children bouncing up and down in near orgasmic ecstasy at the prospect of being allowed to wear Big Boy Diapers that are referred to as “pull-ups”.  The reasoning goes that by being all grown up and pulling their disposable underwear up and down the kid will feel responsible enough so he won’t crap the bed during nap time.  Personally, I can’t imagine why a parent thinks it’s a groovy idea to postpone the process of toilet training.  I know why the company wants to extend the period you buy their product.  I mean, I guess that the dog disposable diaper was a disappointment to them ( I swear on a stack of bibles this is a real product.  I don’t understand why people would think it is going to work.  If you take an animal that eats pounds of food each day and then expect his amoeba size brain to process the fact that he can’t soil the shag carpet with a huge steaming pile of nasty, I guess you think a diaper is better than a new carpet.  But I don’t think you’ll ever train him using them.  But the diaper corporation has sure trained you to be dependent on their product ) so they had to do something to keep profits up.  I can almost see a need for those waterproof beach or pool diapers.  Since people are rude bastards with no consideration for others anymore, at least put a plastic bag over your kids ass so there isn’t a repeat of the “Caddyshack” scene ( someone puts a Baby Ruth candy bar in the swimming pool and everyone thinks it’s a floating turd ).  Back in a kinder and gentler nation kids wouldn’t have been brought to a public pool or beach before they were potty trained.
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And then there is the geriatric diaper.  Back in the day, an old bastard would have stayed at home full time.  If he leaned over to do a Cheek Sneak fart and beshat himself by accident, no worries.  He was home alone, so no embarrassment.  He cleaned himself up and went back to watching “The Price Is Right” and glaring at the neighbors kids from his rocking chair.  But now, some group of advertisers or some geriatric political action group has agitated for full rights for old people.  Now they think it is acceptable to go out in public way past the point of embarrassing lack of bowel control.  Its almost like they are sneering at society, here you go you young bastards, smell my lumpy pant load!  See what I mean about people being rude bastards?  A generation or two ago, people had the sense to be ashamed of anti-social behavior.  If you bumped uglies with a first cousin and produced a hair lip drooling banjo player, you had the decency to feel enough shame to keep him tied up in the attack.  If your daughter has a slut and gave away the marriage meat for free, folks had the decency to send her to a home for wayward girls way out in the country.  But now folks revel in this kind of behavior.  Look, I molest monkeys, look I like to share my smelly dump with everyone in the elevator. 
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If you raise a kid correctly, they are allowed to playfully discover life.  Kids love to play.  Hell, I had pictures of me as a young lad playing with my diaper.  I had a softball stuffed down into my clothe diaper with a big ass fools grin on my face.  Hey, look at me, I just crapped the biggest diaper load of all time!  I can imagine it wasn’t long after that I was toilet trained.  Because obviously I knew what the damn thing was for.  If I had been given Pull-Ups I’m sure I would have been playing with the damn things as long as I had been allowed.  Probably into grade school.  All good things come to an end.  Eventually you have to give up the teat and go to chewable food.  Eventually you nee to stop enjoying the warm squishy feeling of a diaper load and put a little bit of effort into making it to the flush toilet in time.  And parents are the ones who need to do the work of putting a little discipline into life and letting the kid know it ain’t all fun and games.  After a certain point, you need to earn your fun by acting responsible first.  Ohhhhh.  Poor little Johnny has to quit beshatting himself!  I hope the poor dear can get over the trauma! 
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What is a pull-up training kids?  To soil their underwear.   It is for lazy parents that can’t put forth a one time difficult training regimen.  I’ll be frank here.  These are bad parents.  You’re teaching your kids to solve all problems with money rather than effort.  Please do your kids a favor and kill yourselves after making arrangements for a relative to take over the rearing of your offspring.
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Here's an e-mail I got about a forthcoming book. I really liked the first one, here is its sequal:
Update:

This winter I finished writing a sequel to Shut Down. I'm happy to say it's been sent off for publishing. It'll be on Amazon (paperback and kindle) and available through most larger bookstores around May 15th.

The name of the new novel is, Buck, a Survivor of the Shut Down

Here is a brief introduction: Most survivors of the economic disaster have banded together in small, isolated farming communities closed to outsiders. Some are surviving by raiding the farming communities. A few are wandering the country alone. Buck is the story of Corbett (near Portland, Oregon), one of the surviving colonies, as it struggles to survive two years after the collapse.

This novel introduces Buck, a lone, severely wounded outsider. He is discovered bleeding and unconscious by Joe Hancock and Chris Saunders on a bank of the Sandy River near the close-knit Corbett colony. Buck fights to recover from his wounds while helping the people of Corbett defend themselves against a gruesome attack by a desperate band of killers.

I hope you'll enjoy reading it! 

Warm regards,

Bill 
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The Official Bison Web Site www.bisonpress.com
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My e-mail is jimd303@netzero.com
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Anyone can submit a guest article.  No minimum word length, no writing skill necessary ( just get the idea across ).  You retain copyright ( this must be your original writing ) and I’ll just use the once.  I’ve yet to turn down an article, just don’t use the N Bomb or libel another that can sue me.  Send by e-mail ( please, label as “guest article” so I can find it easily later ).  Payment will be your removal from my enemies list.
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By the by, all my writing is copyrighted.  For the obtuse out there.

6 comments:

  1. Off topic, but your favorite Druid is predicting a sudden collapse in his comments section today. Time to buy more wheat.

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  2. Thank you! I HATE those stupid commercials for Pull-Ups...some of those kids look like they are 4 or 5 years old! Look, I had 7 kids...the longest it took any of mine to get potty trained was 3 years old. And she was blind and mentally retarded. Yes, I said retarded, that was her medical diagnosis. But even blind and mentally retarded, she still learned to use a potty within 2 months of her third birthday! (By the way, she is grown now, lives in a family group home and has a job and pays taxes like the rest of us)
    I have talked to women that nursed their babies until they were 6. Didn't potty train until they felt "the child was ready". Let's freakin' hope that was before high school graduation! Nothing puts a damper on a pep rally like the head cheerleader pissing herself doing a split!
    As far as adult diapers for the elderly...I have worked with the elderly as a home health aid. Many years ago, adult diapers were only available at hospital and medical supply stores. Mainly sold 'em to nursing homes, hospices and the like. I guess it wasn't profitable enough for the companies that makes them, as now they are available everywhere. They make a lot of sense in a nursing home...easier to just clean up the "diaper area" rather than cleaning up crap that's splattered down old Mr. Smiths legs.
    Now I see them advertised in different colors with elderly ladies in commercials supposedly wearing them under a sequined dancing dress as she goes to a nightclub. Bitch, if you can dance, you can get to the damn bathroom on time!

    Sorry...you hit a nerve with this one...

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  3. dennis- can you narrow down where I should look in the comments? I tried reading through them but ran out of time. Thanks.

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  4. His reply to jamesneo. He is just talking about the collapse of the American empire. That England's collapsed was in a short period and so will ours. He didn't really say it would be sudden, so he hasn't really crossed that line yet.

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  5. dennis-thanks, found it. This should be interesting.

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  6. Disposable diapers should be banned in favor of what I grew up with! Plain old cloth reusable ones. Talk about wasting oil ! Throwaway is today's motto for everything.

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